Steven Eats Hamster to Survive

SIBERIA- Steven, Speaker of the Republic of Antica, (previously admitted to having smoked pot and gotten drunk in New York City), has been found half-naked and freezing in Siberia by Russian officials. (Ha! Oxymoron!) Fortunately, Steven was able to communicate with them in his native Russian language. Otherwise, they might have shot him on sight. (they were carrying Soviet KA-47s, and were hunting for capitalist saboteurs)

In an interview from the Russian newspaper Pravda (previously a Soviet propaganda paper), Steven admitted to eating his pet hamster, Tovarishch Stalin to survive in the harsh cold environment of Siberia.
"Tovarishch Stalin was my best friend," said Steven through tears, "but I had to do what I had to do to survive... I will miss Tovarishch Stalin dearly. He tasted like ham." (Get it? Hamster?)

Steven was released to Antica later by Russian officials, but only if he pledged allegiance to The Motherland, and promised to change Antica into a Communist country.